I'm Not a PC Anymore

Just got a MacBook Pro yesterday. Now I'm sitting on the couch blogging while Brianna watches the Monsters vs Alien Halloween special. It's pretty sweet. Hopefully this will mean that I'll blog more.

And the Mac is so easy. I'm basically figuring everything out without any help - well I did read the little getting started book, but that's it so far.

I haven't done any photos or video on it yet, but I hear from friends that it's pretty sweet and again easy and it's all part of the package. No need to buy separate software.

Well, I'm off to play around on my new laptop some more. Later

Moments

Today I had a few extra minutes, so I checked out the family blogs. On the Cronin Family blog, Janelle had posted some wonderful pictures of four generations of Cronins. There was Granny (Greg’s grandmother), Diana, Janelle, and little Jaxon (although I don’t think I’ll be able to call him little for long). It made me smile and think, “I remember when we did that” and then it hit me. . . We didn't do it with four generations. My Gram never got to meet my children and the tears started. At work on my lunch hour, I’m sitting at my desk trying to keep it together. It’s been 11 years since she died and there are moments when it hits me like her funeral was yesterday.

She’s not the only loved one I’ve lost. I went to more funerals before the age of 25 than I care to count. Both my dad’s parents died before I graduated high school. My crazy uncle with cancer died. My great-uncle, who I thought was my grandpa when I was little because all my cousins called him grandpa, died not that long after my Gram. But none of those deaths can still bring me to tears.

When I was growing up and my dad would go TDY or before we got housing when we moved back to Monterey for my dad to take yet another language class, we’d live with my Gram. The only big holidays that we had were typically at my Gram’s house – otherwise it was just the three of us (mom, dad and me). But at Gram’s there’d be all my uncles and once they started getting married, their wives. And it was always fun!

I have so many funny memories:

*When I was little everyone would get me to sneak up on Gram and tickle her feet while she was watching TV and setting her hair in curlers and dippity doo. She’d always scream and everyone would always laugh.

*Once one of the boys (and it might have been my dad) had a bright idea to burn cardboard boxes in the fireplace to get rid of them. The house filled with smoke and the fire department arrived. I wanted to see what was going on, but Gram took me to the back bedroom and wouldn’t let me come out. I was not happy at the time, but now I see how she was protecting me or maybe just keeping me out of the way.

*Gram taught me to play cribbage and pinochle. She was always ready to play cards.

*The most terrifying and funny memory was when my mom and I were living at Gram’s house and dad had just gotten back into town. That night I slept in a roll away bed in Gram’s room. I was afraid of the dark. Gram snored really loudly. She also called out letters to Pat Sajack like she was on Wheel of Fortune. I finally mustered up enough courage to get out of the bed and head to my parent’s room. I put my hand on the door knob and a voice booms, “Erin get back in bed now!” I ran to my bed and pulled the covers up and didn’t move. Literally I didn’t move all night. I fell asleep eventually, but the next morning my muscles were so sore because I held perfectly still. Looking back it’s funny, but at the time I’m surprised I didn’t wet myself.

*When I got to be a teenager and still had no idea what I was talking about, I liked to bring up sex questions or other embarrassing topics at dinner. It was so much fun to see the look on Gram’s face and the redness on my dad’s face. I don’t think either one of them ever realized I did it just to get a reaction out of them.

Once my dad retired and we settled in Monterey, we spent even more time with Gram. My mom and Gram, were close, much like I’m very close with my mom. The three of us would do stuff together all the time. We’d play cards. We’d go to movies. We’d have lunch and talk. To this day it pisses me off to no end to see three generations at lunch and the two youngest generations are on their cell phones. They have no idea what they are missing. Once in college when I was trying to avoid writing a paper, I wrote a poem for Gram. I’m not really a poet or anything, but it just came out of me. I had to express these feelings to her. I’m so glad I did. I know she always knew how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.

I just wish Greg and the kids had gotten to meet her, but I talk about her quite a bit, so they can get to know her vicariously through my stories and she will live on.

Random Gram things:

*You're full of malarkey

*Shyzter - she was trying to say shit in German but never pronounced it right

*She would go around signing the Tennessee Waltz when my mom was a kid and both mom and I think of her when we hear that song

*She would sing Mare's Eat Oats to me when I was a kid

*She was smart as a whip and could beat everyone at Wheel of Fortune

*She was a Liberian at McGraw Hill

*She had six boys and two girls (one she was forced to give up for adoption to her brother and we knew nothing about it until after she died. So my mom has a cousin sister)

*She had rules about how to hang tinsel on the Christmas tree - one strand at a time.

*She was a great cook until she got old and then everything became bland

*She always made time for me and made me feel special

Funny

Last night on the way home Brianna and Liam were fighting over Baby Jaxon. Brianna thinks that Baby Jaxon is her cousin. Liam thinks he's his cousin. I tried to explain that he is both their cousins. Then Brianna screams, "NOOOOO! MY BABY JAXON!"

Then I told Liam to let Brianna have Baby Jaxon (because we don't just call him Jaxon) and he could have Kolby. But noooo, he was enjoying tormenting his little sister. He said, "She can have Cousin Kolby and I get Cousin Baby Jaxon."

Again another shriek out of Brianna.

I finally got Liam to agree to let Brianna have Baby Jaxon and he got Kolby and they could switch later. So he told Brianna she got Jaxon and he got Kolby and all was well and quite in the car.

I didn't have the energy to explain that they can't own their cousins, that they are individual people and not toys.

My goal before Christmas is to get Brianna to understand that you can't treat real babies the way you treat your baby dolls.

Getting Better

Yesterday we had the first rain storm of the session. Mike and Jenn left at a good time. It was rainy, cold, and windy. The wind is what really gets us around here. The kids and I counted tree branches that had fallen on the way to my parents for dinner. It was Tuesday, our day to mooch a free dinner. Greg decided to head home and get some laundry done and have some alone time.

The kids and I left to go home at 7:30 pm. It was dark and still raining and windy. As usual Liam feel asleep on the way home. Typically, I unload all the crap from the car and take it into the house before getting the kids in the house, but I open their doors so I can hear Brianna talking. Last night, I kept the doors closed and had a huge load to haul in; Ashley sent a bag of stuff for me into work with Joaquin, Mom had given me a bag of the kids stuff, two kids umbrellas, my purse. My hands are full and I go to open the door. It's locked. I ring the doorbell . . . twice. No answer from Greg. I have to get to my purse and fish my keys out. I'm cursing Greg under my breath as the wind and rain are beating on my back. I drop all the crap on the floor and go back out to get Brianna. I get her in and tell her to go find Daddy. I then go back out in the wind and rain to get Liam. He's just a dead weight. As I get him to the front door, Greg appears and asks if I need help. I think I gave him one of those looks. You know the one - "Where the hell were you five minutes ago. I've got it covered now."

At this point you might be wondering about the title of this post. Hold on it's coming.

I close the door forcefully and Greg says, "What's wrong?"
I think, "Really?! You're going to ask me what's wrong?"
Instead I say, "The door was locked and I'm soaking wet and I rang the door bell twice."
He then says, "Sorry. I was in the bathroom."
I say while stomping away, "I've got to get these wet clothes off."

Here it comes:

As I walk back to the bedroom to change my clothes, I realize that I'm not really mad at Greg for the door being locked. I'm really just mad and stressed from the drive home. I go back into the living room and explain to Greg.

"I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. On the way home, I had someone right on my ass and was behind someone driving 20 mph under the speed limit - with the kids in the car. So I was just stressed out from the drive home."

So there it is. I realized what was really bothering me and that I was taking it out on my poor husband, who just wanted to use the bathroom in peace. Not only did I realize what the issue was, but I also apologized to Greg. Huge step for me and my Karma.

I'm really trying to be better about this and I'm noticing it's making both Greg and I happier.

Now why is it that we abuse the ones we love the most?!

Karma

I was reading a blog post about a Karma Project that an ordinary woman was embarking upon. Now she’s not one of those New Age types, she’s just a regular person like you and I trying to better herself through the use of Buddhist principles. This inspired me because I truly believe in Karma and reincarnation. I think in each life you are given some lessons to learn and if you don’t learn them the first time, then you get another life to figure it out. When you/your soul has learned everything and you’ve gotten all you can out of your physical lives, then you finally get to move onto the next plain of existence (Nirvina, Heaven, Whatever you want to call it). If you don’t spend your physical life trying to learn these lessons or if you do great harm, then your next life will be worse than your current life. Personally I like this version of hell better than the Christian one, mostly because you really are held accountable for your actions and just can’t ask for forgiveness. Have you ever had to deal with the person that is really good about saying they are sorry about whatever they did to you, but they don’t ever change their behavior. After a while you have to wonder how sorry they really are, but I digress. (And for my Christian friends, I do understand that God has a better ability than I to tell if someone is truly asking for forgiveness with an open heart)

Being inspired and believing one of my lessons for this life is to learn to be patient with everyone, I decided to try to follow this woman’s model to increase my good Karma and decrease my bad Karma. The model is basically this: Keep a tally on a piece of paper, putting a check mark in the negative category whenever I:

· Killed a bug (Buddhist teachings include not eating animals, but that’s not going to happen so this is as close as I’m coming to caring for all creatures)
· Said or emailed something sarcastic, negative, or mean to someone
· Lost my temper (even if no one knows I’ve lost it)
· Talked about someone behind his or her back
· Gossiped
· Lied (easy one to follow)
· Stole something (again an easy one to refrain from)

And putting a check mark in the positive category whenever I:

· Did something nice for someone
· Complimented someone (I often think these things and don’t say them to the person)
· Did not act in malice when I really wanted to
· Successfully transformed anger into compassion (much harder than it sounds)

As you can see from the list, some are going to be much, much harder than others. I’ve been doing this for two weeks, but only really being good about it in the car. In the car? You say. Yes, I have a very big problem with thinking evil thoughts while in the car. I don’t have patience for other drivers on the road, etc. Basically I have road rage, which since having children has gotten better (or at least while they are in the car). So my drives into work lately have gone something like this.

Damn, this guy in front of me is driving slow. I can’t wait to get to Davis, so I can pass him. Now wait Erin! The fact that he’s going 5 mph under the speed limit and you’re stuck behind him may be saving you from getting in an accident that’s going to happen up ahead and the universe is saving you from that.

Son of a bitch, that woman almost hit me when she sped up to merge in front of me. What the hell? Now she’s going to make me miss the green light because she’s doing her make-up in the mirror and didn’t notice it turned green. I wish I had that laser vaporizer thing to just get rid of her ass. Oh that’s not good, my Karma just went in the toilet. Okay, think of something. Think! Uhh, maybe it makes her nervous to be behind an SUV because she can’t see around it (don’t worry that your car is a very small SUV) and so she just had to get in front. It’s very smart of her to only do her makeup at stop lights, since I’ve been behind women putting on makeup at 45 mph.

The first day I was working on my driving Karma, I did really good. I was pretty relaxed too and only 3 minutes later to work than normal. I had a morning appointment that day (blood work, urg), which is important to know because of the parking situation at work. Because I come in at 7:00, I typically get a good spot on the side of the building which is close. By 8:00 all those spots are gone. I got back from my appointment at 8:15ish and actually saw someone leaving that parking lot after not finding a spot. Before I turn into MY parking lot, I see my spot I had earlier and it’s still empty. What are the chances? This never happens. Oh my gosh, it’s my good driving Karma at work and almost immediately. It surely was a sign from the universe that I was on the right path.

Even with that immediate result, it’s been a tough couple of weeks trying to keep up the good Karma. I’m definitely going to keep trying because it can only help me in the long run.

I was severely tested on Monday and I didn’t do well at all. I completely lost my temper and let it effect my interaction with another person, who had nothing to do with the situation I was angry about. I’ll blog about that in more detail later. I think I’m going to try to do a Karma update on this blog every Friday. I know it’s not really related to updating you on the latest cute thing the kids have done, but I do think it relates to the fact that I should be a better mother and wife for doing this.

Wish me mindfulness!

Swimming – Nature vs Nurture

Greg signed the kids up for swim lessons this summer. The first two week session the kids did before we went on our 4th of July vacation. They both ‘graduated’ with a ribbon at level 2. We spent a lot of time in the pool during our vacation and Brianna took to it quickly. She was jumping to Greg or Grandma in the water either doing a cannon ball or Nestea plunge. She had no fear. Liam did much better this summer, he could ‘walk’ around in the shallow end and loved the water gun fights with everyone, but still didn’t like getting his head/face wet.

The kids just finished the last two weeks of swim class. Brianna can now float for 10 seconds on her back by herself. She can float on her front for 5 seconds by herself. She can put her hands over her head in the streamline position and kick – basically swimming very slowly either on her back or front without help. She has near perfect form for a 3 year old. She just has a natural point to her toes and kick. And she always has a huge smile on her face while she’s in the water. Liam floated on his back by himself for 1 or 2 seconds. As soon as he felt the instructor’s hands move he would tense up and pull into a ball causing him to start to sink. He won’t even put his face in the water to be able to float on his front. He does use a kick board and can kick the length of the pool as long as the instructor is right there. They again got ribbons for completing the class. Brianna ‘graduated’ at level 4 and Liam at level 2.

I can’t tell you how many people commented to either Greg or I about how well Brianna was doing and how fast she was progressing. Even the head instructor said Brianna was progressing faster than anyone she’d ever seen at her age. Greg and I think she’s going to be an Olympic swimmer or diver and we’re going to keep nurturing her love of the water. Liam will continue to take lessons until he can swim for safety reasons, but it’s not his talent. He’s going to be starting soccer soon, which Greg tells me Liam has a natural talent for – evidently he’s got really good ball control. It might have something to do with the fact that Greg loves to play soccer with Liam, so he gets a lot of practice. But Greg is the expert in this area and if he says that Liam has a natural soccer talent then who am I to say otherwise.

So while Brianna got the Boyd family love of the water, Liam got the Hogan healthy fear of the water. My dad was telling me at one of the swim classes how he never liked to swim and was no good at it, so it’s genetic and Liam just got the short end of the stick from us (Dad and I). Oh well, he can be the next David Beckham, while Brianna is the next . . . uhm Dana Torres, Greg Louganis?

By the way, Olympic positions for warm towel hander outer and crazed family member with signs have already been taken by Brianna’s aunts.

P.S. I'll post photos once I figure out how to get them from my blackberry onto my computer.

Dear Paul – You are so NOT inspiring

Every day for the past month and a half I have been receiving an email from Paul with the subject: Christ Fulfills All … After about a week, the emails started to go into my Spam folder, but I still have to go in there and empty that folder. It’s annoying and it’s been going on for so long, that evil thoughts have started entering my mind.

(By the way, did anyone but me wonder what All Christ Fulfills. It’s kind of a fun fill in the blank game. Christ Fulfills All Buckets of Water. Christ Fulfills All Politicians Dreams. Don’t try to understand how my brain works. I gave up years ago out of frustration.)

Now back to my story.

Those that know me well can imagine the graphic nature of these thoughts, but many of my family members and a lot of my dear friends are God fearing/loving Christians and very good people. Before writing this blog entry the idea did cross my mind that one of my family members signed me up to receive these daily inspirationals with good intentions and hopes that I might see The Light. They don’t realize that’s just not going to happen -- too much pagan blood flowing through my veins perhaps (although that means it’s flowing through some of their veins as well). Then I got worried that maybe my dear, sweet husband signed me up (horror of horrors), but that thought quickly left my head. He knows it’s a lost cause (although I am a little nervous about him deciding to read my blog for the first time and this is the post he sees). Before I get to my evil thoughts, I really don’t intend to offend anyone, especially the people that love me and will be praying for my immortal soul if they are brave enough to continue reading.


Okay are you ready? Take another second for one more prayer.





Now back to Paul (and not my Uncle Paul, who I originally thought the email came from before I looked at the subject line) and the evil thoughts swirling through my head. The thoughts started out fairly mundane (well for me at least) – I wanted to email him back everyday with some satanic quote, but I would have no idea where to find those types of things. Then they progressively got worse as my annoyance level went up – I wanted to send him emails with pictures of goat sacrifices or perhaps human sacrifices – that would really freak him out (wait a second that would totally freak me out). And finally ended with some God Father like scenes of Paul waking up to animal heads in his bed and 666 scrawled in blood on his alarm clock (no I don’t know why I think 666 on an alarm clock is funny except if I saw that on mine I would think I was really late).

Of course these are just thoughts and I would never, ever act on them especially because I have no idea how to contact Paul because his return email address is hidden. Oh and he’s probably not even a real person, but some virus lurking waiting for me to click the link on Psalms 23 or whatever.

Yes, I’m aware that I’m going to Hell and you know how much I love heat.

As an aside, my friend, I’ll call him M, once told me the funniest story, which I’m going to screw up somewhat because it’s been over 10 years since I heard it and we all know how I like to ...uhm change stories unknowingly (seals on kayaks anyone?). He was tired of the bible thumpers coming to his door, so one day he had enough and the girl was telling him how Christ could save him, etc. He looked her straight in the eye and said he didn’t need Christ because he had Satan and he could call up demons to come and take her soul, so she better tell her friends to stop dropping by his place because he didn’t need saving. I think she might have cried or screamed or something and I think he felt slightly bad about it after he stopped laughing.

See I just think these horrible thoughts I don’t actually act on them, so I’m not so bad right?! What? I’m still going to Hell? Damn it!