Sacrifices aka Stupidity

(NOTE: I am not a playwrite, so have no idea if I’m using this style correctly. Don’t judge.)

Act 1:
The scene: The Hogan kitchen on family dinner Tuesday night
Players: Grandpa Hogan (aka Popi), who would do anything for his grandchildren as quickly as possible. Brianna Boyd the adorable, but demanding three year old. Me, the mom who sacrifices her own comfort without thinking to ensure safety for her daughter.

Brianna sees container of cherries sitting on the counter. She asks Popi politely for one. He immediately hands her a cherry.

Me (as I start toward Brianna): “Do those have pits in them?”

I grab it away as Popi says, “Uh, I guess so.”

Brianna (screaming): “Mine! Mine cherry!”

I’m grabbing a knife out of the drawer and a bowl out of the cabinet as I say to Brianna, “Yes, I’m just going to take the pit out of it so you don’t choke. Just a minute.”

Brianna starts crying and is literally trying to climb up my leg as I stand at the sink cutting the cherry and dripping juice the color of blood into the sink. I drop the cherry pieces into the bowl and quickly run some water on my hands and where the blood juice has dripped into the sink. I’m thinking she’s going to make a huge bloody mess when eating the cherry. I quickly hand her the bowl as her tears subside. She looks down into the bowl and sets it on the kitchen table not eating a bite. URG!

Act 2:
The scene: The Hogan living room.
Players: Grandma Hogan, the wise matriarch. Liam Boyd the adorable and sensitive five year old. Me, the idiot.

I sit on the couch watching cartoons with Liam. I rub my eyes occasionally. Then the itching becomes intense.

Liam (looking over at me): “Mommy what’s wrong with your eyes?”

Me: “They’re just a little itchy.”

But I lie. They are incredibly itchy and I can’t seem to keep myself from rubbing them. And then it hits me. . . . .

That damn cherry! I didn’t wash my hands with soap after cutting up that DAMN cherry that Brianna didn’t even eat! URGGGGGGG.

Me (calmly): “Mom do you have any Claritin?”

The thoughts are running through my head: “Benadryl will work quicker, but then I won’t be able to drive the kids home because I’ll be too sleepy. Well, I could call Greg and have him drive us all home. But then what would we do about the car situation. I could ask my parents to drive us home - one of them driving my car and the other following in one of their cars. No that’s ridiculous. I’ll just take a Claritin and hope my eyes don’t swell completely shut. It feels like my eyes are barely open now. I really should be helping mom make dinner, but damn my eyes itch. Stop rubbing the eyes. No really stop it now. It’s only going to make it worse. I can’t believe I was so stupid, I know I have to wash my hands after cutting fruit. URG, it itches so bad. Just one more rub. I really hope mom can fix this for me. Please let the 24 hour Claritin kick in quickly, if they even have any. My eyes feel freaking huge and itchy. I hate cherries!”

Mom (from the bathroom): “Here’s some Claritin.”

I go into the bathroom to retrieve the little (hopefully miracle) pill and look at my eyes. I look like a boxer that didn’t do so well in the fight. Or maybe I just look slightly Asian with slits for eyes. I decide I must take a picture and share with the world how completely stupid I am and funny looking too. If this wasn’t happening to me it would be hysterical. I take the pill.

Liam (sitting in Popi’s chair): “Mommy are you okay?”

Me (tiredly rubbing eyes): “My allergies are bothering me right now, but I took some medicine and I will be fine in a little while.”

We all sit down to eat dinner and there are no cherries in sight.

Epilogue: I get the kids home safely with barely opened eyes. Liam falls asleep on the way home. As soon as I walk in the door I tell Greg I’m taking a Benadryl and going to bed, good luck with Brianna. I give him a short version of the story as he shakes his head at me as if to say, “You know better than to forget to wash your hands you silly girl.” I wake up the next morning after going to bed at 8:30 and sleeping like a log (and having some strange dreams about being chained in a room with people I can’t see coming and going and no one is helping me get unchained, not that I really want them to though) and find that my eyes are still slightly swollen. Not prize fighter swollen, just swollen enough that every time I blink I feel like my eyes are too big for my sockets.

So remember to always, always, always use SOAP and water after handling fruit you silly girl!